When I was a mormon

I put on a mask

A contrite heart baptized with fire and denial

Acting like lies and oblivion didn’t define me

When I was a mormon

I put on a crown

Making myself a queen

A daughter of God who sits on a throne of lies

That are hidden behind pageants and closed doors

I fashioned myself into a believer

Twisting and molding the repentant parts of me into something ghastly

From educated to ignorant and petulant

Abandoning the things I loved recklessly at the command of man at a podium

To be humble and meek

I was told by the prophet of the Lord

To deny the Lord’s children

To boast in my truth and shun another’s weakness

Serving for my salvation rather than to help the needy

Vanity and pride consuming me

The darkness of hell infusing with the cross we dare not bear

Turning me from blessed and whole into an immodest servant of the worldly

Burning the pieces of my loving soul with the refining fire of hatred

When I was a Mormon

I was finally the perfect daughter of God

Fulfilling my heavenly mission

Embracing my destiny as a queen dethroned from my blessed kingdom

Rising from the ashes as if a phoenix

Born again to rule as a queen whose beliefs were woven with a learned hatred

When I was a Mormon

I thought I had found God

I had been desperate for His presence

I wish I knew then what I know now

I didn’t find God in the temple

I Found Man

j.p. “I Found Man in the House of the Lord”  (via allisonargentisagift)

Umm… Wow. This is how you make being an ex-Mormon, and a born again person (in the secularist of senses) beautiful. Word. And then no words.


Rachel is the owner of a website development company and a singer-songwriter. Her interests include neuroscience, psychology, philosophy, music and swimming in the ocean as often as humanly possible. Currently, she lives in Texas with her husband and children.

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